A Messy Beginning

When the Universe Takes a Tough-Love Approach

I’ve been thinking about starting my own business for years now.

I’ve completed trainings, collected credentials, and shifted career paths. I’ve worked in a variety of health and wellness fields, and I have more than a decade of experience under my belt. I’ve even done some of the tasky business start-up admin that I despise. And I’ve talked about it, talked about it, talked about it. I’m very grateful to have patient friends who’ve listened, cheered me on, given feedback, and never once yelled “shut up and do it already!”

But as a perfectionist in semi-recovery (to be honest, I’m not always trying that hard to change), there’s always been a reason not to start. The idea wasn’t solid enough. It wasn’t polished enough. I didn’t know enough. It wasn’t the right time.

Ironically, for all my agonizing, I’m finally showing up from a very imperfect place.

I was laid off a couple of months ago. When it happened, I wasn’t particularly surprised, but it was jarring all the same. Part of me felt excited at the external push to make a change, and part of me was wracked with worry about the loss of perceived security. My immediate response, borne out of anxiety, was to hop on LinkedIn and start saving a bunch of open jobs- all of which I knew in my gut I’d hate within 6 months.

Once I took a few breaths and had a good night’s sleep, I resolved to take things a little slower. Ultimately, I decided I had enough resources that I could take some time to consider my next steps, job hunt thoughtfully, and in the meantime, enjoy the spring and summer weather outside.

I planned to be in the garden, and I planted more herbs and veggies than usual, and even a patch of wheat. I bought a chair to refinish. I signed up to teach a second yoga class each week. I got excited to be more active. Having worked online for years, I’d been craving something concrete and tangible.

But around the same time as I was laid off, a chronic issue with my back was flaring up. I started having more pain, and it got hard to put my shoes and socks on. Teaching yoga got harder. I ended up spending more time in appointments than in the garden. Earlier this month I found out that I have a herniated disc which, for the near future, means more appointments and more rest.

So, what to do?

I could wallow in a puddle of disappointment. I could rage and resent my body. I could make decisions from a place of panic. Admittedly, I have my moments with these options. I’m still working through the kinds of grief that come with job loss and physical pain.

But ultimately, in my clearest moments, I can see the opportunity.

The job that was consuming my time, my mental capacity and emotional bandwidth: gone. The ability to be physically busy: gone. I feel like the universe has my arm behind my back, marching me toward the things I’ve been saying I want. Clearing space. Sometimes I need that kind of push. So, I’m finally here- forced by circumstance into taking imperfect action on the things I’ve been dreaming about.

Which brings me to this space, and what I want to share here.

Each month, I’ll be exploring a different wellbeing topic. I’ll be approaching these with curiosity, examining the topic’s place in my life, and experimenting with small, gentle changes, all with the goal of continuing to craft a life that I love living.

And I’m inviting you to come along on this journey with me.

I’m not here as the guru who has it all figured out, as you can see. Sure, I have plenty of ideas and some successes. I also have plenty of failures under my belt. I’m not going to tell you what to do or how to be- there are enough opinions flying around this internet. I’m here to experiment out loud, in real life, and if you’re interested, along with you.

If you’ve been thinking about what wellbeing looks like for you in your real, imperfect life, stick around and let’s explore. Together.

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In this space, I’ll be exploring a new wellbeing theme each month through coaching questions, journaling prompts and somatic practices. If you’d like to explore along with me, please follow me here on Substack!